57 Revolutions Around The Sun

I recently celebrated my BIRTHDAY!!! As the title of this article clearly says 57 revolutions around the sun.... man, where does the time go? My Mom used to say, and still does say, "Time waits for no man". It's taken me all this time to realize the gravitas of that statement. 

I remember all of my milestone birthdays, 13, finally a teenager. 16, now I can date! 21 I'm legal!! Then, after I turned 25 birthdays started to blur together. It felt like the passing of time sped up. It's crazy how when we're very young, we thought that people who were the age I am now were really old. Now that I AM this age I don't feel old at all! 

I feel blessed, that I woke up to see the beginning of another year of life. I've been through great times, and I've been through some extremely messed up times. But you know what, that's totally alright because everything, all of it has helped make me who I am. I'm the embodiment of an Earth Mother. I love with every fiber of my being, and when someone tries to do something foul to anyone that I love, I become the fiercest version of myself.   

So how did I spend my day? Started with a bit of TLC. I treated myself to a mani-pedi, a Starbucks Mocha Latte, and for dinner, an incredible home-cooked meal. I know it doesn't seem like much, but I enjoyed myself and that's all that matters. You see, I said all of this to get back to my first point is that time waits for no man. My children are all grown and they tell me all the time that NOW...it's my time.

I've written iterations of this theme, but this time, this year has to be the beginning of The Life Of Me. 

I don't know how much time I have left on this side of the veil, but I do know that I have so many things that I've always wanted to do, but haven't been able to. Even though I'm still working, I have more time. More time means no more excuses. 

As revolution 57 begins, I'm grateful, humbled, but most of all I am loved. Now it's time to begin...

The Life of Me!

Much Love,

Pandora Esperanza 2021

Time To Write The Vision

Then the LORD answered me and said:

“Write the vision

And make it plain on tablets,

That he may run who reads it.

For the vision is yet for an appointed time;

But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.

Though it tarries, wait for it;

Because it will surely come,

It will not tarry. - Habakkuck 2:2,3

It was just this past Sunday, I was at church singing with the choir, and our selection for the day was a song called "Write the Vision" by Patrick Love. I'm going to tell you that EVERY TIME we sing this song it brings me to my knees. Why? Because from the first time that I heard it, I realized that my life, your life is driven by our visions (hopes, dreams, desires, and aspirations).  The beauty of it is that God knows of each and every one of them, the question remains as to why He wants us to write them out.

Ever since I can remember, I have in one way or another, put my innermost thoughts and feelings into some kind of written form. Back in the day, I used to keep a diary. My very first one was a Tinkerbell Diary, with a heart shaped lock. It even came with a tiny key. I would write off and on in diaries well into my adulthood. As I became older, I would always write on the first page of every diary, "If you happen to come across these writings. Please take them in the vain that they were written. This is my catharsis. I will share my loves and losses. Please be kind."  There's only been one person that I know of that ever came across my diaries and read them, without my permission I might add. But I digress, that's a story for another day. Needless to say, I stopped writing in diaries all together.

I have found solace in being a blog writer, I love it actually, do I share my thoughts and feelings with my readers, yes; but I think that what God wants us to do is something different. I think He wants us to, write a letter to Him in which we write out  those very same hopes, dreams, desires, and aspirations. After we write them I think we're meant to pray about them and then work toward their completion the best that we can. All the while knowing that in the end we will yield to Gods will and wait on his timing. BUT what ever those goals, dreams, aspirations, and desires are they need to line up with the word of God AND we have to put in the work.

My Mother always says, "All you have to do is your part, God will take care of the rest." In order to write your vision, you're required to spend time with it and think it out. Thinking it out and planning will help us to do our part.

So for 2018 I'm going to write my vision; my vision for my family, my work life, as well as my personal life. I'm going to pray about it and leave the vision of my heart at the feet of the Father so that He can run with it. Then, I'm getting to work!! It's time to make things happen people!

So as the song of the same name says, "Write the vision, make it plain;

that they may run and not faint.Though the vision is only for awhile, it shall speak and not lie.

For if the Lord said it, you can count on it; He will do just what He said. It is so, yes it so; He will do just what He said."

Much Love,

Pandora~

A Different Kind Of Lonely

"Have you ever felt really close to someone? So close that you can’t understand why you and the other person have two separate bodies, two separate skins?" – Nancy Garden

For those of you that read my writing on a regular basis you're already familiar with the melancholy tone in which my words choose to express themselves, but most times the tone belays the intent. Such is the case with this post.

Anyhoo, I was just checking out of the supermarket last night when I ran into a man that I know from church. We greeted one another as we always do, talked as we walked to our cars that then we went on our way. After I got in my car I sat there for a few minuted thinking about him. You see, a few months ago he lost his wife after graceful struggle with a terminal illness. She was one of the sweetest people that you would ever want to meet.

Flashback to the day of her funeral. He tried to be strong, but you could tell that he was broken. My heart broke for him.  A few weeks later he wanted to thank the congregation for all of the card, kind words, etc.; but it was what he said about his wife that struck a cord in me. I'm going to paraphrase because my recollection can't do his original words any justice. He said that his wife was his best friend, his lover, and his soul mate. Now, on the surface that my not sound like something that would take the Earth off it's axis, but those words, coming from an older AA man is HUGE!! You could see the sorrow in his face as he spoke to his last days with his beloved.

2018 The Year of "NOT"

Image Cred Belongs to Tim Okamura

Like all good bloggers probably try to do, I started writing a post for the New Year. I wanted to have it finished in time to post just before we rang in 2018, but I just wasn't feeling where my post was going. As per usual I started writing about resolutions that I wanted to undertake for the next 12 months, but I wasn't satisfied. I decided to sit on my thoughts for a little while so I could write about something that I truly believed in. I decided that this was going to be the "Year of NOT".

January 1st of any given year since I have no idea when, has probably been spent with people talking about what they were going to do, but I decided that people should make this the year of what they were not going to do.

1. I WILL NOT try to change my physical appearance for the approval of any other human being other than myself - The most commonly discussed New Year's resolution is to lose weight, get in shape, anything that has to do with changing our physical form. But ask yourself are you REALLY doing it for yourself or are you doing it for someone else? I've made a promises to myself similar to this so many times that I've lost count. On the surface I convince myself that I'm doing it for health reasons, "I just want to get in shape."etc. But in reality, I think that if I looked more like the women on the cover of magazines other than the plus-size goddess that I am, that someone will find me attractive. Don't be mistaken, I do want to be what is considered a healthy weight; however, in the past I wasn't successful because my true impetus wasn't ME! This year make whatever changes you need to, just make sure you're doing it for YOU!

T'is The Season - Making It Through The Holidays One More Time

It seems like just yesterday we were ringing in the New Year, and now we've just about come full circle. Everyone's in the thick of the hustle and bustle. Finishing up their gift shopping, hitting the grocery stores, making sure they have everything they need to make their favorite holiday goodies. Christmas music is playing everywhere, literally.

I used to love Christmas, please don't misunderstand, I still do, but over the years my love for it has changed. I'm trying to figure out if it feels slightly tarnished. The last six years of my life have been what could be mistaken for a Lemony Snicket's "Series of Unfortunate Events". First, separation and then divorce. Second, layoff from a job that I had for nine years (with no job in sight), and third, the passing of my Father in 2015. Most of my life has been spent loving Christmas and all that came with it. The gifts, the food and all of the merriment that  my little heart could handle. Yeah, I knew that Christmas was supposed to be about the birth of Christ. I made sure that I went to church for Christmas services, but you know it was the "let's get in and out" frame of mind that was driving my actions.

What Do You Want God To Do For You In Your "Singleness"?

Big question right? We all think we know what we want until someone actually asks us to verbalize our thoughts and/or feelings on the subject.

We have a singles ministry in our church, like so many other churches do. We meet once a month and discuss various topics or just hang out and fellowship. We were about to end a night of fellowship when the group facilitator walks around and asks each of us in turn, to think about the question, "What do you want God to do for you in your singleness". I sat there for minute, some what stunned. The first thing that I wanted to say would have been right on point for a Christian singles group, "I'm fine with being single! My relationship with Christ is all that I need!"....the problem was, that was a TOTAL LIE! That wasn't how I really felt AT ALL!

Valentine's Day Survival For Those On The Single Tip!

So today's the day! The ONE day that's globally dedicated to what? Love! Which, by the way can be the singular worst day for someone that's single. Between all of the Happy Valentine's Day and the "Look at me and my Boo!" social media posts, those of us living on the "Single Tip" just may find ourselves fighting the urge to throw up. Be not dismayed! Valentine's Day can still be your friend.

Make Valentine's Day About Friends And Family - First let's start with the obvious, the major plot point of this particular day is love between couples, that's what has been stressed by holiday marketers every where for ages. (Ok, it does kind of go along with the very inception of the holiday and all of that, BUT it can be so much more.) Buy a box of those kiddie Valentine's Day cards and give them to your family and friends! Let them know how much you love them and give them giggle at the same time!

Plan An Outing With Other Singles - Get together with other single friends to celebrate friendship, NOT to highlight the fact that you're single. Good food, good fun, and great friendship will go a long way today and every other day. All love is not Eros love, there's also Agape love. While we might want the Eros kind, it's the Agape kind that makes the world and our lives better for sharing it.

Remnants Of An Evolution

Time....it can't be tasted, smelled, touched, or heard; but it can be seen if we know where to look.  We can see the sometimes obvious, sometimes subtle trail that it leaves behind. When we still ourselves long enough, it can be felt, not by our hands, but by our souls.

Mirrors have always held a fascination for me. I have no clue why they just did. Before I was tall enough to stand and see myself in the bathroom mirror, I would shimmy up and sit on the sink. I would sit there and look at myself for what seemed like hours. I don't think it was about vanity, it was as if I was studying myself, trying to see beyond the outside of myself. I would stare into my own eyes, memorizing them, the imaginings of a child racing through my mind.

I would also watch my Mom when she would be getting dressed for work and would be looking in the mirror. In my child eyes my Mother was the most beautiful of all the Mothers on the planet! Isn't that how we think as children? As time has moved on I've watched the changes in her face and in her physical form, just as I have watched the changes in mine. I watched her once bright eyes turn slightly blood shot, the ever darkening circles under her eyes, gray  hairs, wrinkles. I'll be honest with you, I found myself thinking, "I don't want that to happen to me".

I'm Just Not "THAT Girl"

Writing is my great catharsis...the instrument of choice to purge my soul. With that said, for the last few days I've had a song stuck in my head, "I Can't Make You Love Me", the original was recorded by Bonnie Raitt (Love Her!!!), but it has since then been recorded by many people, one of my favorite covers is by Adelle, and who doesn't love her?

I guess this song starting playing in a loop in my head because lately I've been wondering is finding true, long-lasing, soul scorching love is really written in my starts. Has it ever been a part of the Divine plan that has my name on it?

The earliest memory that I have of not being "THAT Girl", was the fourth grade. I remember it like it was yesterday, my first crush. It took all of my nerve to write him a note that simply said, "If you like me, check "yes" or "no". How cute is that, right?! Yea, I thought so too until he showed the note to the entire class and then checked the no box. And that my dear friends was the shadow of forethought for the rest of my life.

For Good - A Love Letter

I have no idea what has come over me the last few days, but it started with me listening to the song For Good, from the Broadway Musical Wicked. This song is one of the few in the world that can bring me to tears every single time, and for good reason.

For Good, was the song that my twin sons, my eldest children sang at their high school graduation. If I had the words to describe to you what it felt like to see my first babies stand there and sing so beautifully. I knew from my own life experiences that their lives were about to change and this was their love letter to all of us proud parents.

So the other day as I fired up my iTunes and put the song on a loop, with tears in my eyes I started thinking of so many people that have come and gone in my life. These same people have affected my life in one way or another. Some of my relationships with these people were brief, some are ongoing. Some of my experiences with them have been so very good, and some have produced incredibly painful times...but the beautiful part of it is that all of them have changed me for good.

Just Out Of Reach

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

I very recently had the fortuitous pleasure of reconnecting with a very old, very dear friend of mine. While chatting and catching up and talking about life, where we were, how we got here, and things we liked and disliked. After a time, he asked me this question, "Do you like you?" (pregnant pause) I really had to think before I answered that question, sad right. You'd think that question would be one where at least a semi confident "yes" would have come out of my mouth. It was at that moment I realized, somewhere along this journey called life, that I lost sight of who I thought I was.

On the surface we can present ourselves in any way that we choose, happy, confident, independent, self-assured, calm, and the list goes on and on. But under the surface is a different story entirely. How did I become to be this way? I really don't know why I had to ask myself that. I already knew the answer. Relationships, trying to become what I thought someone else wanted me to be. The real question I needed to answer was, what was I going to do about it?

When we won't take the time to stop and evaluate who and what we are, life sometimes will make you. In the silence of my own mind, I was forced to look at the road I had been traveling. I peered down that road and saw a fork, and I had to make a choice. To continue down the path I had been on, the path of changing myself to fit the needs of others, or the path of my own "becoming".

The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose. ~Richard Grant

I choose to become. I choose to become the person that I was destined to be. I choose to become the person that God has preordained that I should be. There's only one problem, every time I think I can reach the brass ring it moves further away from me. Is it frustrating yes, is it necessary? I think so. I'm starting to believe that if we let ourselves believe that there is no more room for self growth, we will stop trying.

So back to the original question of do I like myself, I do. I also like the me that is just out of reach, but that's alright too....I have long arms.