Wednesday, December 16, 2015

They Say There's Someone For Everyone....Just Not Online

It's been almost five years since my divorce. I've only dated one person during that time, which I refer to as "The Debacle", anyway it was a bust. So needless to say it's been a long time for a Sister!

To this point the only men that pay me any modicum of attention are either, married, legally separated, homeless, or old enough to be my grandfather....I just gave myself the Heebie Jeebies.

Anyway, I've actually spoken to quite a few people over the years who've used online dating sites. I've always said that I would never do it, I'm just not that desperate right? What happened to just meeting a nice guy in an organic fashion. I'll tell you what happened, the internet has taken over everything even romance.

Needless to say about a month ago, I finally succumbed to the lure of the creature that is internet dating. I haven't tried all of them, but I've tried enough, Christian Singles Mingle, Our Time, and Delightful. My experience may not be the same as other people, but in my opinion, they SUCK! Can I say that on here.....yeah, I can it's my blog!

Thursday, November 26, 2015

When Your World Get's A Little Bit Smaller

"Time waits for no man", If I heard this from my mother once, I heard it from her a thousand times. She would recite this to me over and over during my childhood and my teens, when the occasion was appropriate. When you're young you really don't think about time, time passing. You feel immortal, your entire life stretching before you, seemingly endless. Then one day you look up and your 50, and you say to yourself, "Where did the time go?"

Over these last few weeks I've suffered one of the greatest losses of my life; all else pales in comparison. I lost my father. He was one of the two bedrocks of my life, the other being my mother. After my divorce, my father stepped up to the plate, not just in my life, but that of my children as well. He made sure that we wanted for nothing. I had a strong shoulder to lean on when I felt weakened by life and all that comes with it, and now he's gone.

Most of my adult life I've been able to compartmentalize my emotions; keeping my personal emotions at home, not bringing them into the workplace nor taking workplace emotions home, etc. But this, this experience has been different. The loss of a parent is so great that it's impossible to contain.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Roses and Thorns

"A rose's rarest essence lives in the thorn."     -- Rumi

You're probably assuming from the title that this post is going to be about love, more or less love unrequited, but no. This post is about the relationship between parents and their children.

Being a mother is one of the greatest joys of my life. If I could sum up all the best parts of me and my ex (yeah he did have some good in him, and I use the word "some" loosely). I liken my relationship with my children to  growing the worlds most beautiful roses. (By the way about 95% of all the known variety of roses have thorns.) What bring me to this conclusion? I'll tell you.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Invisible Me

There's something about a crowded space, full of strangers that let's you know how invisible you really are. It might be the subway station, the market, a street festival; or most recently in my case a party. I'll tell you that I am not the most stand out of individuals in the first place. I am not one of the beautiful people that walk into a room and command attention. I'm a barely 5'4" middle aged African American woman, with a "goddess" body (that's the really nice way of saying full figured) 

I can't even begin to count the number of times that I'll be in a crowed place and people will walk right into me, like they cant even see me. And when I work up the courage to say, "Excuse me.", they'll look at me with that look that says, "Oh I didn't see you!"

I think in some way, shape, or form, I've been dealing with this off and on my entire life. When I was very little, I was incredibly shy. I was the kind of little girl that would hide behind my mother when someone would try and speak to me. And so it was until my first pivotal life moment, I wanted to be a cheerleader. I was in the 6th going into the 7th grade and the opportunity came around for try outs. I told my mother and she said, "Well, you can't be a cheerleader if your can't get out in front of people and make yourself heard." And so I did. I became a Junior Varsity Cheerleader, and then by my Sophomore or Junior year I was a Varsity Cheerleader. Cheer leading forced me to come out of my shell, but I was still unseen.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Unwrapping The Color Of Love

Gifts, I love to give them and I love to receive them, who doesn't?! When someone gives you a gift, do you look at the wrapping paper and say to yourself, "What kind of paper is that? No thanks, you can take your gift back." I don't think so.

We should look at love the same way. When I was growing up, in my most formative years I attended a predominately white Christian school. From fourth grade through my senior year, the majority of the guys that I was around where white. There were very few African Americans in our school, so the dating pool was REALLY small. The few of us that were there hung out and were really cool, but we really didn't date each other. Interracial dating was probably the single most unspoken taboo. It ranked right up there with premarital sex, and the devil's music (rock and roll). Let me be clear, I don't want to make it seem that it was only at school where I learned who I could and could not date. My father was and is a very old school black man. He is intelligent, strong, and a hard worker. He let it be known in no uncertain terms that in the event that I should even THINK about bringing ANYONE else home other than a black guy, that hell would open up and swallow me whole! But in my mind, that didn't mean that I couldn't look.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Thank You For The Music

I don't know about you, but I'm one of those people who truly do attach the emotion of a memory, time, or a place to music. I actually think it's fairly common, who doesn't remember the song that was playing when they danced their first slow dance at their first party?

As I listen to a song each note played is a step back to a specific time and place. "Let Me Be Your Angel" by Stacy Lattisaw was the song of my first innocent love, my puppy love if you will. I used to sit in my room and listen to that song over and over. Which was a bit more complicated back then, since we didn't have MP3 players. We had 45s and LPs, yes, good old records.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

The Truth Will Always Bare Itself Out

Full Definition of TRUTH

a archaic :  fidelityconstancy
b :  sincerity in action, character, and utterance
(1) :  the state of being the case :  fact (2) :  the body of real things, events, and facts :  actuality (3) often capitalized :  a transcendent fundamental or spiritual reality
b :  a judgment, proposition, or idea that is true or accepted as true <truthsof thermodynamics>
c :  the body of true statements and propositions
a :  the property (as of a statement) of being in accord with fact or reality
b chiefly British :  true 2
c :  fidelity to an original or to a standard

My mother has always been one for turning a good quote or a phrase. She also loved poetry. But there was one quote that my mother liked to say when she though I wasn't telling the truth. She would say, "You know, the truth will always bare itself out".

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Fake It Till You Make It - Getting Through Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day, the day when all around the world people are celebrating love in all it's forms. We are indoctrinated to the ways of this celebrated day of love with the same earnestness that we are taught about Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. Primary school students harass their mothers to buy Valentine's Day cards (You know the little ones that you give out to EVERYONE in your class), mothers everywhere are sitting up making sure that they have counted their child's classmates several times over just to make sure they don't miss anyone.

Inevitably the time comes when you realize that for the first time there is that special someone in your class that you don't want to give the "regular" Valentine to. You want to give them that "special" Valentine, the one that says, "Will you be mine?" and you meant it! Or better yet, for them to give that special Valentine to you.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

The Dance of My Life To An Audience of One

It was December 1969 and I was 5 years old. I will never forget this night because it was the first pivotal moment in my life. I was taken to see my very first professional ballet, The Nutcracker. I remember coming home and telling my mother, "I can do that!". From that moment on, dance and music have been an integral part of my existence.

Music and movement are the visceral part of my emotions. Whatever I am feeling I can pop out my iPod and play a song that speaks the words that I can't say myself, and from the music is born movement. It's gotten to the point that as soon as I don my ear buds or head phones, turn up the music and close my eyes, I become lost in the choreography inside of my mind.

I was thinking back over my life, as one tends to do when one gets a certain age, and I realized that there was one song in particular that has been a constant in my music repertoire, Donny Hathaway's version of "A Song For You". (My other favorite must have artists are Chayanne, Tracey Chapman, Sade, and Phoebe Snow. I'm sure I'll write about all of them eventually)

"A Song For You" is the song that sums up so beautifully one of the great quests of my life. "I've acted out my life on stages, with ten thousand people watching, but we're alone, and I'm singing this song for you." The quest for that one person that is my safe harbor from everything and everyone. That at the end of the day it doesn't matter who I have to be to the rest of the world, this person will accept me for who I really am.

For this person I will dance the language of my soul and they will understand, because this dance is meant for and audience of one.

"I've been so many places
In my life and time
I've sung a lot of songs
I've made some bad rhymes
I've acted out my life on stages
With 10,000 people watching

But we're alone now
And I'm singing this song to you

I know your image of me
Is what I hoped to be
I treated you unkindly
But darling, can't you see?
There's no one more important to me
Baby, can't you see through me?

'Cause we're alone now
And I'm singing this song to you

You taught me precious secrets
Of a true love while holding nothing
You came out in front when I was hiding
But now I'm so much better
And if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody
'Cuz my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place
Where there's no space or time
I love you for my life
'Cuz you' re a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together

We were alone
And I was singing this song to you

I love you in a place
Where there's no space or time
I love you for my life
'Cuz you' re a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together

We were alone
And I was singing this song to you
We were alone
And I was singing this song to you
We were alone
And I was singing this song
Singing this song to you"


Published by
Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Smoke and Mirrors

"Here is my hand for you to hold,
Here's the part of me they have not sold
I've wandered far, I've had my fill
I need you now, do you love me still?
Only you have seen the hidden part of me
Call me foolhardy if you will
I loved you when, do you love me still?
So many smiles and lies surround me
Empty expectations, faceless fears
Sometimes this life is a bitter pill
I love you now, do you love me still?
You have been mine since time untold
Our love is immortal, don't you know?
Others will come, and they will go
But I loved you young, I love you old
Only you have seen, the other side of me
Call me naive, I think you will
But I loved you then, do you love me still?
Here are the eyes that only see you
Here's the mouth that only calls your name
Here is the soul they can not kill
I love you now, do you love me still?"

Chaka Khan - Love Me Still

I try my best to at least do a bit of research when writing a post. Some of my posts are straight from my life and my experiences, but this one I wanted a foundation for my thinking. I wanted to know exactly what kinds of love we as humans had to work with. I cam upon this article on

15 Different Kinds of Love:
Infatuation- loving feelings towards a love object that are largely based upon fantasy and idealization (instead of experience). Often when partners get to know each other, infatuation diminishes.
Romantic Love- An abiding love for a partner with whom you feel passion, attraction, caring and respect.
Eros- a passionate love usually involving sexual feelings for a love interest.
Companionate Love- feelings of warmth towards a friend with whom you love to spend time
Unconditional Love- A type of affection and caring that is so strong that you feel it consistently, regardless of what that other person does
Conditional Love- A love that requires specific action or conditions in order to be maintained. For example, at its extreme, a parent who gives very conditional love would only love his child when he gets straight A’s, becomes a surgeon and has two children. The love is based on outside conditions and when they do not occur, the love is withdrawn.
Puppy Love- A childish, innocent temporary crush on someone that you don’t know well.
Maternal Love- This term usually connotes love that is nurturing, accepting and protective. In actuality this love can also be given by a father etc.
Paternal Love- This term connotes love that involves guidance and some authority. Paternal love usually prepares a child to be ready for the outside world. Again, in reality this type of love is not gender specific.
Soulmate Love- This type of love is described as a love that has survived multiple life times. Not everyone believes in this concept.
Spiritual/Divine Love- This type of love recognizes the Divine light in everyone and everything. Love is given to everyone as an act of loving God.
Love of your country or patriotism- This is love for the place you live or the place that were born. It is a type of loyalty and a special feeling of belonging that you attribute to that specific geographic location.
Self-Love- This is a positive feeling that you have about who you are and what you deserve. It often is expressed by treating yourself well, respecting yourself, wanting yourself to be happy and expecting others to respect you too.
Brotherly Love- This term connotes having a feeling of love for your neighbor, because all humanity is considered to be part of a larger family of human beings.
Tough Love- This term is used to describe a love that is expressed by setting boundaries for the good of the other person. So for example, a parent may send their teenager to rehab if he is drug addicted, even if he does not want to go. They feel that this is an act of love because it stems from a desire for their son’s ultimate good and happiness.

(For the entire article please read on 15 Different Types of Love)

One day my youngest son (16) said to me, "Mom, I don't believe in love." He said it calmly, but with a mature conviction that I had never seen in him before. I asked him why and he replied, "Real love requires that a person loves you more than they love themselves. In this world that's not going to happen, so, love can't exist. Needless to say I was speechless. Still I refuse to let my son not believe in love. So I searched myself. 

After my divorce (see 46 and Starting Over, Life After Divorce) I thought that whatever love I could possibly give had died right along with the marriage. A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to have several conversations with my first real love. He was the only person that never cause me pain. It was truly the perfect relationship, but space, time, and life got in the way. We lost track of one another. Yes I am older so there were no social networks, cell phones, Google. Anyway, I realized that I had experienced this very kind of love that my son was making reference to. As our conversations went on, I could feel the feelings that I had for him rise as if resurrected. He's married though, so of course, these feelings will never amount to anything with him, BUT, I thank him for letting me know that I can feel the kind of love where you love someone more than you love yourself.

Real love, selfless love, love that will sacrifice itself for the happiness of another does exist, it is not an illusion, it isn't simply smoke and mirrors. If we're lucky we will have the great fortune to experience it, maybe even more than once, but it is there. Keep your heart open, let it bask in the warmth of the sun. Let the light shine through the smoke and reflect off the mirror and light the entire room.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Just Out Of Reach

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

I very recently had the fortuitous pleasure of reconnecting with a very old, very dear friend of mine. While chatting and catching up and talking about life, where we were, how we got here, and things we liked and disliked. After a time, he asked me this question, "Do you like you?" (pregnant pause) I really had to think before I answered that question, sad right. You'd think that question would be one where at least a semi confident "yes" would have come out of my mouth. It was at that moment I realized, somewhere along this journey called life, that I lost sight of who I thought I was.

On the surface we can present ourselves in any way that we choose, happy, confident, independent, self-assured, calm, and the list goes on and on. But under the surface is a different story entirely. How did I become to be this way? I really don't know why I had to ask myself that. I already knew the answer. Relationships, trying to become what I thought someone else wanted me to be. The real question I needed to answer was, what was I going to do about it?

When we won't take the time to stop and evaluate who and what we are, life sometimes will make you. In the silence of my own mind, I was forced to look at the road I had been traveling. I peered down that road and saw a fork, and I had to make a choice. To continue down the path I had been on, the path of changing myself to fit the needs of others, or the path of my own "becoming".

The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose. ~Richard Grant

I choose to become. I choose to become the person that I was destined to be. I choose to become the person that God has preordained that I should be. There's only one problem, every time I think I can reach the brass ring it moves further away from me. Is it frustrating yes, is it necessary? I think so. I'm starting to believe that if we let ourselves believe that there is no more room for self growth, we will stop trying.

So back to the original question of do I like myself, I do. I also like the me that is just out of reach, but that's alright too....I have long arms.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

First Real First Love

"The first time, ever I saw your face.....I thought the sun rose in your eyes, and the moon and the stars, were the gifts you gave. To the dark and the endless skies my love, to the dark and the endless skies. The first time ever I kissed your mouth....I felt the earth move in my hand, like the trembling heart of a captive bird. That was there at my command, my love. That was there at my command, my love. The first time, ever I lay with you.....I felt your heart so close to mine. And I knew our joy would fill the earth......and last 'til the end of time,my love. And last 'til the end of time, my love...." Roberta Flack

This is the one song that captures first and real true love.

I was hanging out in my office today strolling down memory lane and that's when I realized that I knew the moment that I felt real love for the first time.

The first time you held hands with someone, first slow dance, first kiss, These are "firsts" that are etched into our long term memory banks. But there is nothing that compares to the experience of our first real love.

Now let's clarify, there's that first love that you experience probably at some point in your teens. It's that first boyfriend girlfriend thing, that when it ends as most of them do, you think that your world will never be the same and that you will never love again. I remember this experience as well. I can look on this moment fondly now because it was one of those defining mother daughter times. My mother gave me wonderful words of wisdom. She said, "You will be in love more than once before you find real love." And life moved on.

A few years later I was fortunate enough to experience my first "Real Love" moment. In that moment I crossed the abysm between childhood and womanhood. It's unfortunate that the relationship didn't survive, but the beautiful part is that the love did. I carry that love with me.

"Something about first love defies duplication. Before it, your heart is blank. Unwritten. After, the walls are left inscribed and graffitied. When it ends, no amount of scrubbing will purge the scrawled oaths and sketched images, but sooner or later, you find that there's space for someone else, between the words and in the margins." - Tammara Webber, Where You Are