Let The Circle Be Unbroken

"Let the circle be unbroken by and by Lord by and by". It's been too long since I've written a blog post, but life is what it is. I am here with heavy thoughts on my mind not heavy because they're bad, heavy because they are inevitable. The other day, I was giving my mom a bath. I prepare the tub and all the little accouterments that go with it.  Mind you, I'm working from home, trying to balance work and home life. I run the bathtub nice and warm, with bubbles. My Mom needs a bath chair so I put that in the tub making sure that the water's not too high. I call my Mom and tell her that the bath is ready. She's still able to get into the tub on her own. She takes her phone into the bathroom with her so when she's ready for me to wash her hair she gives me a call. After a while I get a phone call on my cell, it's my Mom telling me she's ready. I stop whatever it is that I'm doing and make my way to the bathroom, ready to wash her hair... (Just so you know, the only thing that's hard to stop to take care of my Mom is a meeting, but everything else comes second to her) It's hard for her because she can't really lean back in the bath chair. it's hard for her to tilt her head back for me, But she does the very best she can. While I'm washing her hair a warmth spreads over me. And my spirit... she starts speaking to God.  I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father, for the privilege of taking care of my mother, with the same love and care that she gave taking care of me. It's just at this moment, that she tells me to scrub a little harder and dig a little deeper. She wants to feel like her scalp is getting clean! I want to make sure that I'm not hurting her, but I do as she asks. Actually, I would do anything that my Mom asks me to do whenever she asks me to do it. You see,  I'm grateful, I'm blessed, thankful for every day that she's with me... that God has allowed me to be able to take care of her, in her sunset as she took care of me in my dawn. In my heart, I want my mother to be with me forever, but I know that that's not going to be the case. You see, we all have an appointed time when we will leave this place,  and transition from here to the next life. So it's a blessing to be able to sit here and help my Mom take a bath, wash her hair,  and afterward take care of her feet.  I'm 57 my mother is 88. I now know what that beautiful hymn means... "Let the circle be unbroken by-and-by Lord by-and-by..."  The way that I love and care for my mother, I hope that someday my children will love and care for me, and then their children for them, and so on and so forth. THAT is the circle. The circle that we hope for and pray for. THAT is family. I have no clue how much longer my mother will be on the side of the veil. But however long it may be, I'll be here.  To run her bath water, help her take a bath, to wash her hair, to laugh with her, to share a meal with her, or just sit in silence keeping company. So I encourage you, whoever you love, who whoever you need to care for, care for them while you have them. Give them their flowers while they're living, and cherish every moment. 

Much love,

Pandora Esperanza

A Different Kind Of Lonely

"Have you ever felt really close to someone? So close that you can’t understand why you and the other person have two separate bodies, two separate skins?" – Nancy Garden

For those of you that read my writing on a regular basis you're already familiar with the melancholy tone in which my words choose to express themselves, but most times the tone belays the intent. Such is the case with this post.

Anyhoo, I was just checking out of the supermarket last night when I ran into a man that I know from church. We greeted one another as we always do, talked as we walked to our cars that then we went on our way. After I got in my car I sat there for a few minuted thinking about him. You see, a few months ago he lost his wife after graceful struggle with a terminal illness. She was one of the sweetest people that you would ever want to meet.

Flashback to the day of her funeral. He tried to be strong, but you could tell that he was broken. My heart broke for him.  A few weeks later he wanted to thank the congregation for all of the card, kind words, etc.; but it was what he said about his wife that struck a cord in me. I'm going to paraphrase because my recollection can't do his original words any justice. He said that his wife was his best friend, his lover, and his soul mate. Now, on the surface that my not sound like something that would take the Earth off it's axis, but those words, coming from an older AA man is HUGE!! You could see the sorrow in his face as he spoke to his last days with his beloved.

When Your World Get's A Little Bit Smaller

"Time waits for no man", If I heard this from my mother once, I heard it from her a thousand times. She would recite this to me over and over during my childhood and my teens, when the occasion was appropriate. When you're young you really don't think about time, time passing. You feel immortal, your entire life stretching before you, seemingly endless. Then one day you look up and your 50, and you say to yourself, "Where did the time go?"

Over these last few weeks I've suffered one of the greatest losses of my life; all else pales in comparison. I lost my father. He was one of the two bedrocks of my life, the other being my mother. After my divorce, my father stepped up to the plate, not just in my life, but that of my children as well. He made sure that we wanted for nothing. I had a strong shoulder to lean on when I felt weakened by life and all that comes with it, and now he's gone.

Most of my adult life I've been able to compartmentalize my emotions; keeping my personal emotions at home, not bringing them into the workplace nor taking workplace emotions home, etc. But this, this experience has been different. The loss of a parent is so great that it's impossible to contain.