Thursday, August 6, 2015

Invisible Me

There's something about a crowded space, full of strangers that let's you know how invisible you really are. It might be the subway station, the market, a street festival; or most recently in my case a party. I'll tell you that I am not the most stand out of individuals in the first place. I am not one of the beautiful people that walk into a room and command attention. I'm a barely 5'4" middle aged African American woman, with a "goddess" body (that's the really nice way of saying full figured) 

I can't even begin to count the number of times that I'll be in a crowed place and people will walk right into me, like they cant even see me. And when I work up the courage to say, "Excuse me.", they'll look at me with that look that says, "Oh I didn't see you!"

I think in some way, shape, or form, I've been dealing with this off and on my entire life. When I was very little, I was incredibly shy. I was the kind of little girl that would hide behind my mother when someone would try and speak to me. And so it was until my first pivotal life moment, I wanted to be a cheerleader. I was in the 6th going into the 7th grade and the opportunity came around for try outs. I told my mother and she said, "Well, you can't be a cheerleader if your can't get out in front of people and make yourself heard." And so I did. I became a Junior Varsity Cheerleader, and then by my Sophomore or Junior year I was a Varsity Cheerleader. Cheer leading forced me to come out of my shell, but I was still unseen.

After High School came college. What an exciting time! I just knew things would be different. So many more kids, freedom to become to evolve to change into a butterfly...or so I thought. I was very active in various social groups, and developed a small circle of friends, but yet and still I had this feeling of being invisible. The larger the crowd the more invisible I felt.  I think it's one of the hardest things in the world to be at a party, with crowds of people and you're the "wall flower". No matter how beautifully you dress or apply your make-up, you just don't quite cut it.

Well, the years have gone by, I'm just beginning my 50's and the invisibility is still there. This past weekend I decided to go to my first real party since my divorce. I tried to get a few girlfriends to go with me, but they couldn't, but I was determined to go, so I went alone. I thought to myself, I can do this! "After all," I said to myself, "You'll never meet a nice guy stuck up in the house." It was the biggest mistake that I ever made. New out fit, nails done, make-up done....and I went unnoticed the entire evening. Oh it was a lovely event, but all I can say is THANK GOD for the trusty Kindle app on my phone. The party was on a ship, with a lovely deck, so that's where I ended up, being kept company by the characters of whatever book that I was reading. I've come to the realization that I MUST be part fey and my power is to blend flawlessly with my surroundings. I just haven't learned to master my powers, *giggle*

In work life, I have learned to be heard, and believe it or not even seen. I've had to learn to walk in the confidence and authority of my work craft. I'm beginning to believe that the feeling of being invisible is derived from not having that intimate connectivity that comes from having your other half, a mate. This is the person that sees beyond the outside of you and sees what really matters, your inner spirit, the essence of who you are. The person that you can be in the presence of and not say a word, but you know how they are feeling. I've already been through a failed marriage, and several less that stellar relationships before that. I'm going to look at the glass as half full. I choose to believe that I'm being shielded by some unknown cosmic force. Those who need to be in my life will see me. When the other half of me comes along he will see me.

So for those of you out there who feel like I do, just keep pressing. The cosmos will reveal you to those that are worthy enough to see you, the real you. In the meantime "Keep your head to the sky".