Sunday, January 11, 2015

Just Out Of Reach

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

I very recently had the fortuitous pleasure of reconnecting with a very old, very dear friend of mine. While chatting and catching up and talking about life, where we were, how we got here, and things we liked and disliked. After a time, he asked me this question, "Do you like you?" (pregnant pause) I really had to think before I answered that question, sad right. You'd think that question would be one where at least a semi confident "yes" would have come out of my mouth. It was at that moment I realized, somewhere along this journey called life, that I lost sight of who I thought I was.

On the surface we can present ourselves in any way that we choose, happy, confident, independent, self-assured, calm, and the list goes on and on. But under the surface is a different story entirely. How did I become to be this way? I really don't know why I had to ask myself that. I already knew the answer. Relationships, trying to become what I thought someone else wanted me to be. The real question I needed to answer was, what was I going to do about it?

When we won't take the time to stop and evaluate who and what we are, life sometimes will make you. In the silence of my own mind, I was forced to look at the road I had been traveling. I peered down that road and saw a fork, and I had to make a choice. To continue down the path I had been on, the path of changing myself to fit the needs of others, or the path of my own "becoming".

The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose. ~Richard Grant

I choose to become. I choose to become the person that I was destined to be. I choose to become the person that God has preordained that I should be. There's only one problem, every time I think I can reach the brass ring it moves further away from me. Is it frustrating yes, is it necessary? I think so. I'm starting to believe that if we let ourselves believe that there is no more room for self growth, we will stop trying.

So back to the original question of do I like myself, I do. I also like the me that is just out of reach, but that's alright too....I have long arms.