It's All About Me...But It's Not What You Think

When this year began, I promised myself that his would be the year that I was going to focus on me and being the best person that I could be...needless to say I'm half way through the year and I haven't made much progress.

I've always known that being a Mom is a lifetime job, but the role of a mother changes, as her children reach and progress through adulthood. That means that I have to change too right? I think that's the problem, I haven't let go.

I became a Mother for the first time at the age of 27, and now I'm 55. That means that I've been a mother for the majority of my life. I'm starting to wonder if I know how to be anything else. A very wise woman, my Mother, told me that now was my time. She said that it was time for me to start to think about myself and what I wanted out of life. Before you start to think that I'm on the verge of being a negligent Mom, my children all adults. I know that they still need me, but they don't need me to be the same mother that they've always known. They need me to be the woman, the Mother that I need to be, that God has destined me to be.

I have so much in me that I want to be, that I need to be. One f my greatest passions in life is writing; as you can see by the infrequent articles or poems that I've been writing, that I haven't tended to the embers of that passion that should be feeding the flame. The reality of it all is that I put myself last. For the last 26 years of my life I put myself last to a husband (ex), my children, my job, and a myriad of other obligations, but that's what good mothers do right? 26 years ago I was glad to do so, but now I need to give myself permission to think about me.

I need to accept that they don't need me to make dinner every night. Why? Because they can do it for themselves. They don't need me to stop drop and roll every time I think they need something! Even my kids have to me that I need to forge a life for myself, that means that I need to listen.

I need to spend time sorting through my own thoughts and emotions. I need to work on making peace with myself. I need to start feeding my soul so I can begin to let God help me to heal all of my broken places.

Stepping out into the unknown can be scary...but it can also be rewarding. I need to firmly set foot on the path and start walking one step at a time...one day at a time.

I'm not sure what the future will bring, but I'll never know if I don't look in the box. You never know..I might just like what I find.

2018 The Year of "NOT"

Image Cred Belongs to Tim Okamura

Like all good bloggers probably try to do, I started writing a post for the New Year. I wanted to have it finished in time to post just before we rang in 2018, but I just wasn't feeling where my post was going. As per usual I started writing about resolutions that I wanted to undertake for the next 12 months, but I wasn't satisfied. I decided to sit on my thoughts for a little while so I could write about something that I truly believed in. I decided that this was going to be the "Year of NOT".

January 1st of any given year since I have no idea when, has probably been spent with people talking about what they were going to do, but I decided that people should make this the year of what they were not going to do.

1. I WILL NOT try to change my physical appearance for the approval of any other human being other than myself - The most commonly discussed New Year's resolution is to lose weight, get in shape, anything that has to do with changing our physical form. But ask yourself are you REALLY doing it for yourself or are you doing it for someone else? I've made a promises to myself similar to this so many times that I've lost count. On the surface I convince myself that I'm doing it for health reasons, "I just want to get in shape."etc. But in reality, I think that if I looked more like the women on the cover of magazines other than the plus-size goddess that I am, that someone will find me attractive. Don't be mistaken, I do want to be what is considered a healthy weight; however, in the past I wasn't successful because my true impetus wasn't ME! This year make whatever changes you need to, just make sure you're doing it for YOU!

Silence Is The Loudest Word

Communication, it's one of the singular most vital components of any relationship; whether it's with your family, friends, co-workers, or a significant other. The definition of Communication that I found on Google is as follows:

com·mu·ni·ca·tion
kəˌmyo͞onəˈkāSH(ə)n/Submit
noun
noun: communication
1.
the imparting or exchanging of information or news.
"direct communication between the two countries will produce greater understanding"
synonyms: transmission, conveyance, divulgence, disclosure; More
a letter or message containing information or news.
plural noun: communications
synonyms: message, statement, announcement, report, dispatch, communiqué, letter, bulletin, correspondence
"an official communication"
the successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings.
"there was a lack of communication between Pamela and her parents"
social contact.
"she gave him some hope of her return, or at least of their future communication"
synonyms: contact, dealings, relations, connection, association, socializing, intercourse; More
2.
means of connection between people or places, in particular.
the means of sending or receiving information, such as telephone lines or computers.
plural noun: communications
"satellite communications"
the means of traveling or of transporting goods, such as roads or railroads.
"a city providing excellent road and rail communications"
the field of study concerned with the transmission of information by various means.

Honestly I think this definition only begins to scratch the surface, but let's just start with what we've got. When I was a kid, my Father God rest his soul, had his own interpretation of communication. His version of communication involved him talking and you listening. There was never an exchange of thoughts, ideas, or feelings. It wasn't until I was an adult that we, through a series of trial and error, were able to start having real dialogue that amounted to something. And in what I didn't know were his last days amounted to so many beautiful and wonderful somethings.  But the point is that we we talked!

Remnants Of An Evolution

Time....it can't be tasted, smelled, touched, or heard; but it can be seen if we know where to look.  We can see the sometimes obvious, sometimes subtle trail that it leaves behind. When we still ourselves long enough, it can be felt, not by our hands, but by our souls.

Mirrors have always held a fascination for me. I have no clue why they just did. Before I was tall enough to stand and see myself in the bathroom mirror, I would shimmy up and sit on the sink. I would sit there and look at myself for what seemed like hours. I don't think it was about vanity, it was as if I was studying myself, trying to see beyond the outside of myself. I would stare into my own eyes, memorizing them, the imaginings of a child racing through my mind.

I would also watch my Mom when she would be getting dressed for work and would be looking in the mirror. In my child eyes my Mother was the most beautiful of all the Mothers on the planet! Isn't that how we think as children? As time has moved on I've watched the changes in her face and in her physical form, just as I have watched the changes in mine. I watched her once bright eyes turn slightly blood shot, the ever darkening circles under her eyes, gray  hairs, wrinkles. I'll be honest with you, I found myself thinking, "I don't want that to happen to me".

I'm Just Not "THAT Girl"

Writing is my great catharsis...the instrument of choice to purge my soul. With that said, for the last few days I've had a song stuck in my head, "I Can't Make You Love Me", the original was recorded by Bonnie Raitt (Love Her!!!), but it has since then been recorded by many people, one of my favorite covers is by Adelle, and who doesn't love her?

I guess this song starting playing in a loop in my head because lately I've been wondering is finding true, long-lasing, soul scorching love is really written in my starts. Has it ever been a part of the Divine plan that has my name on it?

The earliest memory that I have of not being "THAT Girl", was the fourth grade. I remember it like it was yesterday, my first crush. It took all of my nerve to write him a note that simply said, "If you like me, check "yes" or "no". How cute is that, right?! Yea, I thought so too until he showed the note to the entire class and then checked the no box. And that my dear friends was the shadow of forethought for the rest of my life.

Grandma's Hands

My Grandmother, Annie Lizzie Hazel (left) sisters Hattie (center) Luala (right)

My Grandmother, Annie Lizzie Hazel was an incredible woman. I know most people think that their grandmothers are great, and I am no exception. Her story has been one of the most powerful influences in my life.

She was from South Carolina originally but came to settle in Augusta Georgia, where she married, gave birth, and raised my mother and her four siblings. Her husband went on to glory one day after suffering a heat stroke while working in their fields. But she had five children to take care of so she did the only thing that she could, she went to work.

 My Grandmother's life wasn't easy, which was the norm at that time. With a fifth-grade education, she did what they called back then "days work", now we call them housekeepers. She also worked as a cook in a restaurant in Augusta. Yes, yes, yes, my Grandmother could cook! She gave love through her food.

For Good - A Love Letter

I have no idea what has come over me the last few days, but it started with me listening to the song For Good, from the Broadway Musical Wicked. This song is one of the few in the world that can bring me to tears every single time, and for good reason.

For Good, was the song that my twin sons, my eldest children sang at their high school graduation. If I had the words to describe to you what it felt like to see my first babies stand there and sing so beautifully. I knew from my own life experiences that their lives were about to change and this was their love letter to all of us proud parents.

So the other day as I fired up my iTunes and put the song on a loop, with tears in my eyes I started thinking of so many people that have come and gone in my life. These same people have affected my life in one way or another. Some of my relationships with these people were brief, some are ongoing. Some of my experiences with them have been so very good, and some have produced incredibly painful times...but the beautiful part of it is that all of them have changed me for good.

It's My Life And I'm Going To Live It! My Mantra For 2016

It's the beginning of 2016 and this year, I decided to do things a little bit differently than in years past. Yeah, yeah, in the past I had done the same thing a millions of other people. I made "New Years Resolutions". I've even gone so far as to purchase a journal for my resolutions so I could chronicle my progress as I went along.  And again like millions of other people by month three most of my resolutions has fallen by the wayside.

This year I decided that I was simply going to focus on becoming the best me that I can. As a single working mother of four, I have always put others before myself, my job, my children. Now that they are just about all adults, I can finally take time for me, time to fill up that which I have let go empty for far too long. Now this doesn't mean that I'm going to take on the mantle of "Dead Beat Mom", far from it.

I've been told by other women in the past, "If you don't take the time to take care of yourself and your needs, how are you going to continue to pour into others?" Or like they say on the airlines, " In the event of an emergency please place your oxygen mask on yourself first before assisting someone else." It's just starting to sink in, that all of this is true.

So where to begin? Spirit first, mind second, and body third.

I need to spend more time with God. I pray daily, and I study the word, but not as much as I should. I want to actively seek a closer relationship with God, to earnestly seek His face in all that I do, and to let Him lead me on the path that He has for me. My Mom has this saying, "Let the dead bury the dead." Let the past stay in the past, there are people that really should have been let go a long time ago.