Let The Circle Be Unbroken

"Let the circle be unbroken by and by Lord by and by". It's been too long since I've written a blog post, but life is what it is. I am here with heavy thoughts on my mind not heavy because they're bad, heavy because they are inevitable. The other day, I was giving my mom a bath. I prepare the tub and all the little accouterments that go with it.  Mind you, I'm working from home, trying to balance work and home life. I run the bathtub nice and warm, with bubbles. My Mom needs a bath chair so I put that in the tub making sure that the water's not too high. I call my Mom and tell her that the bath is ready. She's still able to get into the tub on her own. She takes her phone into the bathroom with her so when she's ready for me to wash her hair she gives me a call. After a while I get a phone call on my cell, it's my Mom telling me she's ready. I stop whatever it is that I'm doing and make my way to the bathroom, ready to wash her hair... (Just so you know, the only thing that's hard to stop to take care of my Mom is a meeting, but everything else comes second to her) It's hard for her because she can't really lean back in the bath chair. it's hard for her to tilt her head back for me, But she does the very best she can. While I'm washing her hair a warmth spreads over me. And my spirit... she starts speaking to God.  I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father, for the privilege of taking care of my mother, with the same love and care that she gave taking care of me. It's just at this moment, that she tells me to scrub a little harder and dig a little deeper. She wants to feel like her scalp is getting clean! I want to make sure that I'm not hurting her, but I do as she asks. Actually, I would do anything that my Mom asks me to do whenever she asks me to do it. You see,  I'm grateful, I'm blessed, thankful for every day that she's with me... that God has allowed me to be able to take care of her, in her sunset as she took care of me in my dawn. In my heart, I want my mother to be with me forever, but I know that that's not going to be the case. You see, we all have an appointed time when we will leave this place,  and transition from here to the next life. So it's a blessing to be able to sit here and help my Mom take a bath, wash her hair,  and afterward take care of her feet.  I'm 57 my mother is 88. I now know what that beautiful hymn means... "Let the circle be unbroken by-and-by Lord by-and-by..."  The way that I love and care for my mother, I hope that someday my children will love and care for me, and then their children for them, and so on and so forth. THAT is the circle. The circle that we hope for and pray for. THAT is family. I have no clue how much longer my mother will be on the side of the veil. But however long it may be, I'll be here.  To run her bath water, help her take a bath, to wash her hair, to laugh with her, to share a meal with her, or just sit in silence keeping company. So I encourage you, whoever you love, who whoever you need to care for, care for them while you have them. Give them their flowers while they're living, and cherish every moment. 

Much love,

Pandora Esperanza

A Different Kind Of Lonely

"Have you ever felt really close to someone? So close that you can’t understand why you and the other person have two separate bodies, two separate skins?" – Nancy Garden

For those of you that read my writing on a regular basis you're already familiar with the melancholy tone in which my words choose to express themselves, but most times the tone belays the intent. Such is the case with this post.

Anyhoo, I was just checking out of the supermarket last night when I ran into a man that I know from church. We greeted one another as we always do, talked as we walked to our cars that then we went on our way. After I got in my car I sat there for a few minuted thinking about him. You see, a few months ago he lost his wife after graceful struggle with a terminal illness. She was one of the sweetest people that you would ever want to meet.

Flashback to the day of her funeral. He tried to be strong, but you could tell that he was broken. My heart broke for him.  A few weeks later he wanted to thank the congregation for all of the card, kind words, etc.; but it was what he said about his wife that struck a cord in me. I'm going to paraphrase because my recollection can't do his original words any justice. He said that his wife was his best friend, his lover, and his soul mate. Now, on the surface that my not sound like something that would take the Earth off it's axis, but those words, coming from an older AA man is HUGE!! You could see the sorrow in his face as he spoke to his last days with his beloved.

Silence Is The Loudest Word

Communication, it's one of the singular most vital components of any relationship; whether it's with your family, friends, co-workers, or a significant other. The definition of Communication that I found on Google is as follows:

com·mu·ni·ca·tion
kəˌmyo͞onəˈkāSH(ə)n/Submit
noun
noun: communication
1.
the imparting or exchanging of information or news.
"direct communication between the two countries will produce greater understanding"
synonyms: transmission, conveyance, divulgence, disclosure; More
a letter or message containing information or news.
plural noun: communications
synonyms: message, statement, announcement, report, dispatch, communiqué, letter, bulletin, correspondence
"an official communication"
the successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings.
"there was a lack of communication between Pamela and her parents"
social contact.
"she gave him some hope of her return, or at least of their future communication"
synonyms: contact, dealings, relations, connection, association, socializing, intercourse; More
2.
means of connection between people or places, in particular.
the means of sending or receiving information, such as telephone lines or computers.
plural noun: communications
"satellite communications"
the means of traveling or of transporting goods, such as roads or railroads.
"a city providing excellent road and rail communications"
the field of study concerned with the transmission of information by various means.

Honestly I think this definition only begins to scratch the surface, but let's just start with what we've got. When I was a kid, my Father God rest his soul, had his own interpretation of communication. His version of communication involved him talking and you listening. There was never an exchange of thoughts, ideas, or feelings. It wasn't until I was an adult that we, through a series of trial and error, were able to start having real dialogue that amounted to something. And in what I didn't know were his last days amounted to so many beautiful and wonderful somethings.  But the point is that we we talked!

Valentine's Day Survival For Those On The Single Tip!

So today's the day! The ONE day that's globally dedicated to what? Love! Which, by the way can be the singular worst day for someone that's single. Between all of the Happy Valentine's Day and the "Look at me and my Boo!" social media posts, those of us living on the "Single Tip" just may find ourselves fighting the urge to throw up. Be not dismayed! Valentine's Day can still be your friend.

Make Valentine's Day About Friends And Family - First let's start with the obvious, the major plot point of this particular day is love between couples, that's what has been stressed by holiday marketers every where for ages. (Ok, it does kind of go along with the very inception of the holiday and all of that, BUT it can be so much more.) Buy a box of those kiddie Valentine's Day cards and give them to your family and friends! Let them know how much you love them and give them giggle at the same time!

Plan An Outing With Other Singles - Get together with other single friends to celebrate friendship, NOT to highlight the fact that you're single. Good food, good fun, and great friendship will go a long way today and every other day. All love is not Eros love, there's also Agape love. While we might want the Eros kind, it's the Agape kind that makes the world and our lives better for sharing it.

I'm Just Not "THAT Girl"

Writing is my great catharsis...the instrument of choice to purge my soul. With that said, for the last few days I've had a song stuck in my head, "I Can't Make You Love Me", the original was recorded by Bonnie Raitt (Love Her!!!), but it has since then been recorded by many people, one of my favorite covers is by Adelle, and who doesn't love her?

I guess this song starting playing in a loop in my head because lately I've been wondering is finding true, long-lasing, soul scorching love is really written in my starts. Has it ever been a part of the Divine plan that has my name on it?

The earliest memory that I have of not being "THAT Girl", was the fourth grade. I remember it like it was yesterday, my first crush. It took all of my nerve to write him a note that simply said, "If you like me, check "yes" or "no". How cute is that, right?! Yea, I thought so too until he showed the note to the entire class and then checked the no box. And that my dear friends was the shadow of forethought for the rest of my life.

Grandma's Hands

My Grandmother, Annie Lizzie Hazel (left) sisters Hattie (center) Luala (right)

My Grandmother, Annie Lizzie Hazel was an incredible woman. I know most people think that their grandmothers are great, and I am no exception. Her story has been one of the most powerful influences in my life.

She was from South Carolina originally but came to settle in Augusta Georgia, where she married, gave birth, and raised my mother and her four siblings. Her husband went on to glory one day after suffering a heat stroke while working in their fields. But she had five children to take care of so she did the only thing that she could, she went to work.

 My Grandmother's life wasn't easy, which was the norm at that time. With a fifth-grade education, she did what they called back then "days work", now we call them housekeepers. She also worked as a cook in a restaurant in Augusta. Yes, yes, yes, my Grandmother could cook! She gave love through her food.

For Good - A Love Letter

I have no idea what has come over me the last few days, but it started with me listening to the song For Good, from the Broadway Musical Wicked. This song is one of the few in the world that can bring me to tears every single time, and for good reason.

For Good, was the song that my twin sons, my eldest children sang at their high school graduation. If I had the words to describe to you what it felt like to see my first babies stand there and sing so beautifully. I knew from my own life experiences that their lives were about to change and this was their love letter to all of us proud parents.

So the other day as I fired up my iTunes and put the song on a loop, with tears in my eyes I started thinking of so many people that have come and gone in my life. These same people have affected my life in one way or another. Some of my relationships with these people were brief, some are ongoing. Some of my experiences with them have been so very good, and some have produced incredibly painful times...but the beautiful part of it is that all of them have changed me for good.

Unwrapping The Color Of Love

Gifts, I love to give them and I love to receive them, who doesn't?! When someone gives you a gift, do you look at the wrapping paper and say to yourself, "What kind of paper is that? No thanks, you can take your gift back." I don't think so.

We should look at love the same way. When I was growing up, in my most formative years I attended a predominately white Christian school. From fourth grade through my senior year, the majority of the guys that I was around where white. There were very few African Americans in our school, so the dating pool was REALLY small. The few of us that were there hung out and were really cool, but we really didn't date each other. Interracial dating was probably the single most unspoken taboo. It ranked right up there with premarital sex, and the devil's music (rock and roll). Let me be clear, I don't want to make it seem that it was only at school where I learned who I could and could not date. My father was and is a very old school black man. He is intelligent, strong, and a hard worker. He let it be known in no uncertain terms that in the event that I should even THINK about bringing ANYONE else home other than a black guy, that hell would open up and swallow me whole! But in my mind, that didn't mean that I couldn't look.

Thank You For The Music

I don't know about you, but I'm one of those people who truly do attach the emotion of a memory, time, or a place to music. I actually think it's fairly common, who doesn't remember the song that was playing when they danced their first slow dance at their first party?

As I listen to a song each note played is a step back to a specific time and place. "Let Me Be Your Angel" by Stacy Lattisaw was the song of my first innocent love, my puppy love if you will. I used to sit in my room and listen to that song over and over. Which was a bit more complicated back then, since we didn't have MP3 players. We had 45s and LPs, yes, good old records.

The Truth Will Always Bare Itself Out

Full Definition of TRUTH

1

a archaic :  fidelity, constancy

b :  sincerity in action, character, and utterance

2

a (1) :  the state of being the case :  fact (2) :  the body of real things, events, and facts :  actuality (3) often capitalized :  a transcendent fundamental or spiritual reality

b :  a judgment, proposition, or idea that is true or accepted as true <truthsof thermodynamics>

c :  the body of true statements and propositions

3

a :  the property (as of a statement) of being in accord with fact or reality

b chiefly British :  true 2

c :  fidelity to an original or to a standard

My mother has always been one for turning a good quote or a phrase. She also loved poetry. But there was one quote that my mother liked to say when she though I wasn't telling the truth. She would say, "You know, the truth will always bare itself out".

The Dance of My Life To An Audience of One

It was December 1969 and I was 5 years old. I will never forget this night because it was the first pivotal moment in my life. I was taken to see my very first professional ballet, The Nutcracker. I remember coming home and telling my mother, "I can do that!". From that moment on, dance and music have been an integral part of my existence.

Music and movement are the visceral part of my emotions. Whatever I am feeling I can pop out my iPod and play a song that speaks the words that I can't say myself, and from the music is born movement. It's gotten to the point that as soon as I don my ear buds or head phones, turn up the music and close my eyes, I become lost in the choreography inside of my mind.

I was thinking back over my life, as one tends to do when one gets a certain age, and I realized that there was one song in particular that has been a constant in my music repertoire, Donny Hathaway's version of "A Song For You". (My other favorite must have artists are Chayanne, Tracey Chapman, Sade, and Phoebe Snow. I'm sure I'll write about all of them eventually)

"A Song For You" is the song that sums up so beautifully one of the great quests of my life. "I've acted out my life on stages, with ten thousand people watching, but we're alone, and I'm singing this song for you." The quest for that one person that is my safe harbor from everything and everyone. That at the end of the day it doesn't matter who I have to be to the rest of the world, this person will accept me for who I really am.

For this person I will dance the language of my soul and they will understand, because this dance is meant for and audience of one.

"I've been so many places

In my life and time

I've sung a lot of songs

I've made some bad rhymes

I've acted out my life on stages

With 10,000 people watching

But we're alone now

And I'm singing this song to you

I know your image of me

Is what I hoped to be

I treated you unkindly

But darling, can't you see?

There's no one more important to me

Baby, can't you see through me?

'Cause we're alone now

And I'm singing this song to you

You taught me precious secrets

Of a true love while holding nothing

You came out in front when I was hiding

But now I'm so much better

And if my words don't come together

Listen to the melody

'Cuz my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place

Where there's no space or time

I love you for my life

'Cuz you' re a friend of mine

And when my life is over

Remember when we were together

We were alone

And I was singing this song to you

I love you in a place

Where there's no space or time

I love you for my life

'Cuz you' re a friend of mine

And when my life is over

Remember when we were together

We were alone

And I was singing this song to you

We were alone

And I was singing this song to you

We were alone

And I was singing this song

Singing this song to you"

Songwriters

RUSSELL, LEON

Published by

Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Read more: Donny Hathaway - A Song For You Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Smoke and Mirrors

"Here is my hand for you to hold,

Here's the part of me they have not sold
I've wandered far, I've had my fill
I need you now, do you love me still?
Only you have seen the hidden part of me
Call me foolhardy if you will
I loved you when, do you love me still?
So many smiles and lies surround me
Empty expectations, faceless fears
Sometimes this life is a bitter pill
I love you now, do you love me still?
You have been mine since time untold
Our love is immortal, don't you know?
Others will come, and they will go
But I loved you young, I love you old
Only you have seen, the other side of me
Call me naive, I think you will
But I loved you then, do you love me still?
Here are the eyes that only see you
Here's the mouth that only calls your name
Here is the soul they can not kill
I love you now, do you love me still?"

Chaka Khan - Love Me Still

I try my best to at least do a bit of research when writing a post. Some of my posts are straight from my life and my experiences, but this one I wanted a foundation for my thinking. I wanted to know exactly what kinds of love we as humans had to work with. I cam upon this article on Examiner.com

15 Different Kinds of Love:

Infatuation- loving feelings towards a love object that are largely based upon fantasy and idealization (instead of experience). Often when partners get to know each other, infatuation diminishes.

Romantic Love- An abiding love for a partner with whom you feel passion, attraction, caring and respect.

Eros- a passionate love usually involving sexual feelings for a love interest.

Companionate Love- feelings of warmth towards a friend with whom you love to spend time

Unconditional Love- A type of affection and caring that is so strong that you feel it consistently, regardless of what that other person does

Conditional Love- A love that requires specific action or conditions in order to be maintained. For example, at its extreme, a parent who gives very conditional love would only love his child when he gets straight A’s, becomes a surgeon and has two children. The love is based on outside conditions and when they do not occur, the love is withdrawn.

Puppy Love- A childish, innocent temporary crush on someone that you don’t know well.

Maternal Love- This term usually connotes love that is nurturing, accepting and protective. In actuality this love can also be given by a father etc.

Paternal Love- This term connotes love that involves guidance and some authority. Paternal love usually prepares a child to be ready for the outside world. Again, in reality this type of love is not gender specific.

Soulmate Love- This type of love is described as a love that has survived multiple life times. Not everyone believes in this concept.

Spiritual/Divine Love- This type of love recognizes the Divine light in everyone and everything. Love is given to everyone as an act of loving God.

Love of your country or patriotism- This is love for the place you live or the place that were born. It is a type of loyalty and a special feeling of belonging that you attribute to that specific geographic location.

Self-Love- This is a positive feeling that you have about who you are and what you deserve. It often is expressed by treating yourself well, respecting yourself, wanting yourself to be happy and expecting others to respect you too.

Brotherly Love- This term connotes having a feeling of love for your neighbor, because all humanity is considered to be part of a larger family of human beings.

Tough Love- This term is used to describe a love that is expressed by setting boundaries for the good of the other person. So for example, a parent may send their teenager to rehab if he is drug addicted, even if he does not want to go. They feel that this is an act of love because it stems from a desire for their son’s ultimate good and happiness.

(For the entire article please read on Examiner.com 15 Different Types of Love)

One day my youngest son (16) said to me, "Mom, I don't believe in love." He said it calmly, but with a mature conviction that I had never seen in him before. I asked him why and he replied, "Real love requires that a person loves you more than they love themselves. In this world that's not going to happen, so, love can't exist. Needless to say I was speechless. Still I refuse to let my son not believe in love. So I searched myself. 

After my divorce (see 46 and Starting Over, Life After Divorce) I thought that whatever love I could possibly give had died right along with the marriage. A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to have several conversations with my first real love. He was the only person that never cause me pain. It was truly the perfect relationship, but space, time, and life got in the way. We lost track of one another. Yes I am older so there were no social networks, cell phones, Google. Anyway, I realized that I had experienced this very kind of love that my son was making reference to. As our conversations went on, I could feel the feelings that I had for him rise as if resurrected. He's married though, so of course, these feelings will never amount to anything with him, BUT, I thank him for letting me know that I can feel the kind of love where you love someone more than you love yourself.

Real love, selfless love, love that will sacrifice itself for the happiness of another does exist, it is not an illusion, it isn't simply smoke and mirrors. If we're lucky we will have the great fortune to experience it, maybe even more than once, but it is there. Keep your heart open, let it bask in the warmth of the sun. Let the light shine through the smoke and reflect off the mirror and light the entire room.

Standing On The Other Side Of Forever: Finding Love A Second Time

Divorce is something that is becoming more and more common as time marches on. I've had the great misfortune, or fortune depending on how you look at it, to have gone through the process myself. You can read about this process in my other blog, "46 and Starting Over, Finding Life After Divorce".

So here I am several years down the road, quickly approaching my 50th birthday, and I've been struggling with the issue of, can a person really, truly fall in love a second time? When I was a young girl, I thought that I was in love. Butterflies in the stomach, sweaty palms first kisses, and then of course first heart break; I remember it all so well.  My mother gave me my first post break up pep talk. My mother said, "You will fall in and out of what you think is love many times before you find the one that is meant for you."

No I'm on the other side of what was supposed to be 'till death do us part, and I find myself wondering if I'll ever be able to be "In Love". My youngest son said to me the other day, "Mom, I think I figured out what the difference between loving someone and being "in love" are. We can love many people in different ways. Like a mother loves her children, or family loves one another. Being in love means you love that person the same as you love yourself." All this from a 16 year old.

Standing here looking back over my life I realize that I would rather be alone that to settle for anything other than real love, being in love. What I want is someone that can truly be my friend, my lover, and my covering. I know it's out there for me. I just have to have patience and faith.

In the meantime, I will immerse myself in my family, and the solace that I find in my perfect chair, a cup of coffee and a steamy romance novel ;)

Cheers~