2018 The Year of "NOT"

Image Cred Belongs to Tim Okamura

Like all good bloggers probably try to do, I started writing a post for the New Year. I wanted to have it finished in time to post just before we rang in 2018, but I just wasn't feeling where my post was going. As per usual I started writing about resolutions that I wanted to undertake for the next 12 months, but I wasn't satisfied. I decided to sit on my thoughts for a little while so I could write about something that I truly believed in. I decided that this was going to be the "Year of NOT".

January 1st of any given year since I have no idea when, has probably been spent with people talking about what they were going to do, but I decided that people should make this the year of what they were not going to do.

1. I WILL NOT try to change my physical appearance for the approval of any other human being other than myself - The most commonly discussed New Year's resolution is to lose weight, get in shape, anything that has to do with changing our physical form. But ask yourself are you REALLY doing it for yourself or are you doing it for someone else? I've made a promises to myself similar to this so many times that I've lost count. On the surface I convince myself that I'm doing it for health reasons, "I just want to get in shape."etc. But in reality, I think that if I looked more like the women on the cover of magazines other than the plus-size goddess that I am, that someone will find me attractive. Don't be mistaken, I do want to be what is considered a healthy weight; however, in the past I wasn't successful because my true impetus wasn't ME! This year make whatever changes you need to, just make sure you're doing it for YOU!

Just a Little While Longer

Believe it or not I started this post on May 10, of this year (2016) All I had saved to the draft was the title "Just a Little While Longer". I have no clue as to what thoughts/emotions were twirling around in my head at the time. The funny thing is that I find myself, here on August 24th, three months later give or take feeling the exact same way.

Just a little while longer...I think I started saying this to myself after my ex-husband left. I can't remember if it was the same day, probably not, but more than likely within the first week or so; probably after the shock wore off and the pain really kicked in. Just a little while longer has become my mantra for when I'm "in the waiting". (In the waiting is what I like to call that place in your life where you're waiting on something or someone).  With regards to my ex, I would be thinking that in "just a little while longer" all the hurt feelings that I would would one day be gone. I knew It wasn't going to happen right away, but I also knew if I waited just a little while longer I would get there.

“For a while" is a phrase whose length can't be measured. At least by the person who's waiting.” 

― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

Invisible Me

There's something about a crowded space, full of strangers that let's you know how invisible you really are. It might be the subway station, the market, a street festival; or most recently in my case a party. I'll tell you that I am not the most stand out of individuals in the first place. I am not one of the beautiful people that walk into a room and command attention. I'm a barely 5'4" middle aged African American woman, with a "goddess" body (that's the really nice way of saying full figured) 

I can't even begin to count the number of times that I'll be in a crowed place and people will walk right into me, like they cant even see me. And when I work up the courage to say, "Excuse me.", they'll look at me with that look that says, "Oh I didn't see you!"

I think in some way, shape, or form, I've been dealing with this off and on my entire life. When I was very little, I was incredibly shy. I was the kind of little girl that would hide behind my mother when someone would try and speak to me. And so it was until my first pivotal life moment, I wanted to be a cheerleader. I was in the 6th going into the 7th grade and the opportunity came around for try outs. I told my mother and she said, "Well, you can't be a cheerleader if your can't get out in front of people and make yourself heard." And so I did. I became a Junior Varsity Cheerleader, and then by my Sophomore or Junior year I was a Varsity Cheerleader. Cheer leading forced me to come out of my shell, but I was still unseen.

Unwrapping The Color Of Love

Gifts, I love to give them and I love to receive them, who doesn't?! When someone gives you a gift, do you look at the wrapping paper and say to yourself, "What kind of paper is that? No thanks, you can take your gift back." I don't think so.

We should look at love the same way. When I was growing up, in my most formative years I attended a predominately white Christian school. From fourth grade through my senior year, the majority of the guys that I was around where white. There were very few African Americans in our school, so the dating pool was REALLY small. The few of us that were there hung out and were really cool, but we really didn't date each other. Interracial dating was probably the single most unspoken taboo. It ranked right up there with premarital sex, and the devil's music (rock and roll). Let me be clear, I don't want to make it seem that it was only at school where I learned who I could and could not date. My father was and is a very old school black man. He is intelligent, strong, and a hard worker. He let it be known in no uncertain terms that in the event that I should even THINK about bringing ANYONE else home other than a black guy, that hell would open up and swallow me whole! But in my mind, that didn't mean that I couldn't look.