Just a Little While Longer

Believe it or not I started this post on May 10, of this year (2016) All I had saved to the draft was the title "Just a Little While Longer". I have no clue as to what thoughts/emotions were twirling around in my head at the time. The funny thing is that I find myself, here on August 24th, three months later give or take feeling the exact same way.

Just a little while longer...I think I started saying this to myself after my ex-husband left. I can't remember if it was the same day, probably not, but more than likely within the first week or so; probably after the shock wore off and the pain really kicked in. Just a little while longer has become my mantra for when I'm "in the waiting". (In the waiting is what I like to call that place in your life where you're waiting on something or someone).  With regards to my ex, I would be thinking that in "just a little while longer" all the hurt feelings that I would would one day be gone. I knew It wasn't going to happen right away, but I also knew if I waited just a little while longer I would get there.

“For a while" is a phrase whose length can't be measured. At least by the person who's waiting.” 

― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

Just Out Of Reach

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

I very recently had the fortuitous pleasure of reconnecting with a very old, very dear friend of mine. While chatting and catching up and talking about life, where we were, how we got here, and things we liked and disliked. After a time, he asked me this question, "Do you like you?" (pregnant pause) I really had to think before I answered that question, sad right. You'd think that question would be one where at least a semi confident "yes" would have come out of my mouth. It was at that moment I realized, somewhere along this journey called life, that I lost sight of who I thought I was.

On the surface we can present ourselves in any way that we choose, happy, confident, independent, self-assured, calm, and the list goes on and on. But under the surface is a different story entirely. How did I become to be this way? I really don't know why I had to ask myself that. I already knew the answer. Relationships, trying to become what I thought someone else wanted me to be. The real question I needed to answer was, what was I going to do about it?

When we won't take the time to stop and evaluate who and what we are, life sometimes will make you. In the silence of my own mind, I was forced to look at the road I had been traveling. I peered down that road and saw a fork, and I had to make a choice. To continue down the path I had been on, the path of changing myself to fit the needs of others, or the path of my own "becoming".

The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose. ~Richard Grant

I choose to become. I choose to become the person that I was destined to be. I choose to become the person that God has preordained that I should be. There's only one problem, every time I think I can reach the brass ring it moves further away from me. Is it frustrating yes, is it necessary? I think so. I'm starting to believe that if we let ourselves believe that there is no more room for self growth, we will stop trying.

So back to the original question of do I like myself, I do. I also like the me that is just out of reach, but that's alright too....I have long arms.

Standing On The Other Side Of Forever: Finding Love A Second Time

Divorce is something that is becoming more and more common as time marches on. I've had the great misfortune, or fortune depending on how you look at it, to have gone through the process myself. You can read about this process in my other blog, "46 and Starting Over, Finding Life After Divorce".

So here I am several years down the road, quickly approaching my 50th birthday, and I've been struggling with the issue of, can a person really, truly fall in love a second time? When I was a young girl, I thought that I was in love. Butterflies in the stomach, sweaty palms first kisses, and then of course first heart break; I remember it all so well.  My mother gave me my first post break up pep talk. My mother said, "You will fall in and out of what you think is love many times before you find the one that is meant for you."

No I'm on the other side of what was supposed to be 'till death do us part, and I find myself wondering if I'll ever be able to be "In Love". My youngest son said to me the other day, "Mom, I think I figured out what the difference between loving someone and being "in love" are. We can love many people in different ways. Like a mother loves her children, or family loves one another. Being in love means you love that person the same as you love yourself." All this from a 16 year old.

Standing here looking back over my life I realize that I would rather be alone that to settle for anything other than real love, being in love. What I want is someone that can truly be my friend, my lover, and my covering. I know it's out there for me. I just have to have patience and faith.

In the meantime, I will immerse myself in my family, and the solace that I find in my perfect chair, a cup of coffee and a steamy romance novel ;)

Cheers~

Butterflies In The Gutters

I have since then found out that the butterfly is called "Red-Spotted Purple" and it's in the Brush Footed Butterfly family. I found this information on the website Gardens With Wings. Click the photo go go to the web. page.

I live in Philadelphia and I work in Center City. Most days as I exit the underground train station I'm greeted by the smell of hot garbage and various forms of human waste that have been marinating in the heat through the night.

Don't get me wrong, there are some AMAZING things in the city, but after working down here for so many years, I find myself having to look harder and harder to see it.

I guess we can say the same thing about life. Let's just call a spade a spade, life can get down right hard, gritty, and dirty. You can pass hundreds of people each day, but do you really know what they're going through?

It was on one those stifling hot days in the city, where I happened to look down as something caught my eye. It was a stunning butterfly. I've seen small butterflies around from time to time, but never have I see one like this. The butterfly was flailing around on the ground in the street. It seemed like it couldn't take off so I "shooed" it to try and get it to fly out of the street, but it couldn't make it. The butterfly landed in the gutter.

Lying there in all of it's splendor, seemingly unable to move, the butterfly just sat there. I carefully walked over to it thinking it would fly away, but it didn't. I took a few photographs, but I had to think of something to do. I very slowly leaned down and just as it closed its wings, I picked her up and walked her over to a small flower box on the sidewalk.

I watched her for a few minutes as she fluttered around the box, but I had to keep moving on, satisfied that she just might be safe.

Our lives can be very much like this. We can find ourselves caught up in the muck and mire of the seemingly endless monotony of the daily grind, unable to see anything that truly inspires. But if we slow down  and allow even the smallest of somethings to catch our eye, we may just find beauty in the most unlikely of places.

Much Love~