A Different Kind Of Lonely

"Have you ever felt really close to someone? So close that you can’t understand why you and the other person have two separate bodies, two separate skins?" – Nancy Garden

For those of you that read my writing on a regular basis you're already familiar with the melancholy tone in which my words choose to express themselves, but most times the tone belays the intent. Such is the case with this post.

Anyhoo, I was just checking out of the supermarket last night when I ran into a man that I know from church. We greeted one another as we always do, talked as we walked to our cars that then we went on our way. After I got in my car I sat there for a few minuted thinking about him. You see, a few months ago he lost his wife after graceful struggle with a terminal illness. She was one of the sweetest people that you would ever want to meet.

Flashback to the day of her funeral. He tried to be strong, but you could tell that he was broken. My heart broke for him.  A few weeks later he wanted to thank the congregation for all of the card, kind words, etc.; but it was what he said about his wife that struck a cord in me. I'm going to paraphrase because my recollection can't do his original words any justice. He said that his wife was his best friend, his lover, and his soul mate. Now, on the surface that my not sound like something that would take the Earth off it's axis, but those words, coming from an older AA man is HUGE!! You could see the sorrow in his face as he spoke to his last days with his beloved.

First Real First Love

"The first time, ever I saw your face.....I thought the sun rose in your eyes, and the moon and the stars, were the gifts you gave. To the dark and the endless skies my love, to the dark and the endless skies. The first time ever I kissed your mouth....I felt the earth move in my hand, like the trembling heart of a captive bird. That was there at my command, my love. That was there at my command, my love. The first time, ever I lay with you.....I felt your heart so close to mine. And I knew our joy would fill the earth......and last 'til the end of time,my love. And last 'til the end of time, my love...." Roberta Flack

This is the one song that captures first and real true love.

I was hanging out in my office today strolling down memory lane and that's when I realized that I knew the moment that I felt real love for the first time.

The first time you held hands with someone, first slow dance, first kiss, These are "firsts" that are etched into our long term memory banks. But there is nothing that compares to the experience of our first real love.

Now let's clarify, there's that first love that you experience probably at some point in your teens. It's that first boyfriend girlfriend thing, that when it ends as most of them do, you think that your world will never be the same and that you will never love again. I remember this experience as well. I can look on this moment fondly now because it was one of those defining mother daughter times. My mother gave me wonderful words of wisdom. She said, "You will be in love more than once before you find real love." And life moved on.

A few years later I was fortunate enough to experience my first "Real Love" moment. In that moment I crossed the abysm between childhood and womanhood. It's unfortunate that the relationship didn't survive, but the beautiful part is that the love did. I carry that love with me.

"Something about first love defies duplication. Before it, your heart is blank. Unwritten. After, the walls are left inscribed and graffitied. When it ends, no amount of scrubbing will purge the scrawled oaths and sketched images, but sooner or later, you find that there's space for someone else, between the words and in the margins." - Tammara Webber, Where You Are